


Until Then

by brevinoda



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Being immortal sucks, Being mortal sucks too, F/F, PLANTS ARE SCARY
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 01:47:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14274276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brevinoda/pseuds/brevinoda
Summary: Drabbles about Eientei mostly.





	1. Refuge

There was something remote in that, this soldier’s thick, choking distance. Inaba was supposed to be the mortal – so why was it so hard to reach out? Charming the wary, soothing the fearful, I always thought I was no stranger to it… but even now, and I still don’t understand.

All I can say is that when I looked –

At beautiful, invincible Inaba,

at solitary, trembling Inaba,

                                                                                                                        at woman that wants to hold me

but soldier that can’t Inaba,

– not even my sight could truly touch my dear. And that for as much as I had already lived, there were still things unknown to me.

Every night that Eirin’s student could not rest, I came and gave shelter. A lie of omission, really. I gave Inaba shelter from the past, and Inaba gave me shelter from the future.

The fact was that a brave, loving creature would die and I would go on. On and on, while this person, this infinitely detailed story, vanished past the horizon. Because of… what, a whim? Some trifling little terror I forgot long ago?

But then I feel Inaba’s warmth and hear Inaba’s laughter, and it doesn’t matter. Somehow it’s enough that she’s _just happy_. And as for tomorrow, the words we can’t say - they can wait.

I can do that much, can’t I?


	2. Vigilance

I’m not a coward. I’m not a coward. I’m not a coward. I’m not a coward.

Because? Because Princess Kaguya says I’m not so I’m. Not.

Those moments when I can’t move or think or breathe? When everything’s just sort of screaming? Just think of Her Majesty. Think of her smiling.

(“Could you do something for me, darling? Could you call me Kaguya?”)

It still _hurts_ but now I can bear it. I see her… her teeth? Her sugar brown gaze all predatory all covetous. Piercing me. Defusing me just with her sight.

That’s the sign [Princess] Kaguya is going to devour me. Sliver me up and savor how I come apart. And I (coward) feel (failure) so right dissolving in her. I feel safe and wanted and just _~~good~~_. (Her Majesty’s drowsy grin in the aftermath. How she cradles me as we lie adrift. I did something of worth)

And yet she feels guilty about it sometimes. What Her Majesty does is so wonderful it can’t possibly be wrong. But no matter how I tell her

(She lays little kisses on my ear but Princess’ voice is so distant so worn. “It’s still not true….” Her ancient hand squeezes mine and for a second she’s smiling again. “But thank you, dear. I’m glad you think that.”)

I can’t convince her.

(fucking failure. fucking runaway. you should you should you should you should)

It’s starting to hurt again. I can keep going. Kaguya wants me to be happy so I’ll keep going. Make it back to her side.

I will I swear I will Princess I am strong I am strong I am


	3. Stop and Think

“…You never told me what you saw,” she says quietly.

“True. But only because it’s not worth telling.” I want to hold her, hug her in the cool of the dusk, but it’s not quite the right time. Kaguya wants to sulk – so let her sulk a bit.

I want to wipe those projections from my mind, too. The things we did (could do, it wasn’t real, remember that it wasn’t real)… darling, I’m not lying when I say they should stay forgotten.

“You’re right, this isn’t the best of all worlds,” I continue carefully. “But… princess, this isn’t the worst. Not even close.”

The sun lies like a beached whale, and the sky screams with its bleeding light. She doesn’t look at me.

“’Rin. You know Inaba’s been asking me?”

“Yes.”

“And you don’t care?”

“Not that – but rather, if she did such a thing she wouldn’t be Udongein anymore. That woman, _that_ Udongein, she _can’t_ follow you, so it’s not the real problem to focus on. The real –“

“— The ‘ _real problem_ ’ – ”

“ – The real problem,” I continue evenly, “is making her happy _now_. Don’t you think?”

Kaguya wasn’t looking at me. She is now, still glowing with beautiful fury... but she sighs, lets it fade into a smirk and silent laughter.

“…’Rin, you must love winding me up.”

“Purely incidental, princess. Absolutely incidental.”

“Well, alright. I can agree that Inaba needs to be happy.” She lays her hand where she wants me to sit, leans against my shoulder. “So… what do you suggest?”

“Form some relationships. Doesn’t have to be friends with everyone, but how many people have you seen Udongein actually _talk_ to?”


	4. Impulse

It’s noon we’ve awakened into, but we haven’t stirred. Her Majesty rests on me, thinking of nothing. I lie in the thick warm sheets, thinking of nothing but Her Majesty. How far away her mind is, how unsatisfied she is, how I make her warm and make her smile even if her joy’s touched with fury. I blink; Princess Kaguya didn’t hear me, did she? But then I feel the press of her snuggling against me and know she didn’t notice. Her emotions echo as she settles…

Thankful. Her Majesty is grateful that she doesn’t have to think about anything. As if she’s been granted a mercy? I can’t quite understand her tangled thoughts. Not that I have to, but –

I turn away from that thought and rub Kaguya’s back instead. She answers with a sleepy smile and small strokes against my collarbone.

“Inaba,” she mumbles, still feeling my skin. “You always wait for me.”

“I like waiting for you, Princess... weird, but…”

She laughs and it shakes the room, quiet as it is. “And if it wasn’t me you were waiting for?”

“I’d hate it.”

She laughs again, sighing as she breathes me in. “Inaba. Kind and loyal and brave Inaba. I…”

‘I’ what? The room is silent save her breath and the damn birds.

“…I love you so much,” Kaguya finishes. Wasn’t what she wanted to say. But why?

The birds jabber like they’re mocking me.

“Kaguya?” I ask, and I feel the air around her grow cold. Her Majesty’s touch turns into a grip.

“Yes, dear?”

“How can I follow you?”

* * *

 

That sort of thing is a sin, of course. Not because of a human law, but because such an act was just plain bad for one’s soul. People are supposed to stop, just like they’re supposed to sleep. To go on and on, never given a moment away from flesh and memory and thought –  there was a reason immortals with a mind were so rare.

Master says there are plenty of immortals, just that most wouldn’t recognize them. Not as people. Some not as animals or any living thing. Master told me of undying that were reduced to bones, living dust. Of people beyond even that – patterns in temple masonry, cancerous replicating thoughts…

Alive. At least, in the way a virus is ‘alive’. Did those kinds of people still have consciousness?

Master only said: “We don’t know.” That we were probably lucky to be ignorant. But my curiosity was understandable.

“It’s human to care for someone else.”

But if that’s the case, why stay like this? Why when you can follow?

“Because then I wouldn’t be human, would I?”

My body heard the end of Master’s words before my mind did. I remember how my… my breath, i-it froze, I guess? How my throat seized up. I remember – that’s the only time it ever crossed my mind that I should strike Master. No idea of when to stop, just… beat the shit out of this person.

Master smiled. Not with her lips; with her eyes. She knew what I just felt, better than I ever could. Wasn’t balm to me.

“It’s different when you have forever,” she continued. “On that scale you just want people who can forget your mistakes. So we stay mortal, we act as the refuge. Maybe another immortal around would help… but who’s to say _we_ are best suited for the role?”

My breath caught while I tried to find some reply. But Master went back into the report backlog, gave me room to breathe.

“We have time to think about these things, Udongein. It’s a choice we can’t undo. And in any case, there’s other ways to help Her Majesty with far less effort...”

I wanted my voice to be harsh; instead it just came out weak. “Like?”

Master heard my frustration and chuckled.


	5. Little Steps

I always kind of hated the morning. You know? Waking up to something that’s too bright for night but too dark for day. The muggy little layer of dew that always shows up to soak everything. How it’s never quite warm enough, no matter the season.

Master’s idea of ‘less effort’ is odd, but I’m not one to question it. I don’t get it – so there must be something to learn. I march up the rocky path and put impatience out my mind. Look around at the beauty of alien Terra: the harmony of grass giving way to hill and mountain, light allowed to scatter into impure spectra, the sight of clouds free to choose their own shape…

The annoying little pranksters that think they’re so much better because they’re older. But for once, Tewi isn’t bothering me.

“You don’t mind walking?” I ask.

“Nope, it’s nice to mix it up. The ground just feels different, you know? More, uh… grounded. You can’t hear the same way in the air, same with water.”

“And as for Miss Wriggle?”

“Hah, did you just call that dork ‘Miss’?” She looks to our guest, hovering just over the earth. “Wasn’t a trick; Wriggle’s going this way anyhow and she’ll be good luck for us.”

“Fair enough.”

“What’s really on your mind, Slim? We got time.”

The ground crunches under my feet. (Not really my feet. My boots. The air is heating with the rising sun, quartz edges wet with clouds hugging the rising cliffs. Just as Tewi said)

“…I’m trying to figure out how Master thinks this will help me,” I answer. “Go to the mountains and negotiate with the kappa?”

“Probably thinks you've been stuck in your head too long,” Tewi shrugs. “Can’t hurt to hang out with different people.”

“And if I make a mistake?”

“Then _we_ made a mistake, big whoop. We’ll fix it, and then go on with our lives. No problem.”

“‘No problem’…”

“What, you’re worried about being on your own? We’re a pack. Might get on each others nerves, but hey, means we’re a family. Ok?”

“Heh, guess so. Yeah, you’re right, thanks Tewi.”

“Yep, I’m pretty amazing!”

And for once I do laugh a bit, feel a smile instead of assembling one. It’s a really nice feeling, kind of sweet, something uplifting. Like a storm suddenly lifting –

“You should be nice like this all the time, Tei,” Wriggle says. She’s holding a jumble of flowers and weeds, tying them into a bundle.

“You were listening? Thought you were picking flowers or whatever.”

“…Not like I can’t do both…”

“Ah, whatever,” Tewi sniffs. “I got an image to maintain, I’m a badass.”

“I still don’t think that’s what that word means…”

“That’s why you’re a _dooork_ ,” she shoots back with a grin, and I tune the two out as I look to the road ahead.

Always did hate the morning. But today – today, it’s not so bad.


	6. Nectar Guide

Madam Yuuka wraps me in her embrace, looming, towering above. Looks down at me with her fractaled eyes and hungry smile, completely in control. Fearsome.

_So beautiful._

“You’re scared of me,” Madam Yuuka says.

“Yes m... ma’am.” Tried, but I still can’t keep my voice steady.

“You want to run, don’t you?”

“I… I…”

She leans closer. “Hm? What was that?”

“I do… but I, I don’t. I-i don’t.”

“Oh, really? And why is that?”

Madam Yuuka shows her teeth just a bit, stops bothering to hide her amusement. My heart pounds so loud – and she can hear it, she is just this side of laughing at the sound. Her soft predator’s hands feel the small of my back; she is just this side of killing me too, if she felt the whim.

And so I don’t feel fear when I say: “Because Madam Yuuka is too beautiful to run from.”

She is still grinning, but there is no more mirth in the air. She pushes me tighter, just _so_ into her, looks through me instead of at me.

“Say that again,” Madam Yuuka says low and much too calm.

“Madam Yuuka – ” I look into her eyes, don’t dare look away – “is too beautiful to run from.”

“Ah. That’s what I thought. Little bug?”

There’s no wind, just the earthquake of my heart. No sun, just her glare.

“Yes ma’am?” I breathe.

She seizes me, pushes my lips against hers. Thrusts her tongue against my stunned mouth, and when I’m too slow to let her in she squeezes my rear to make me gasp. Her tongue slips wet against mine, teases soft against mine; as she claims me her perfume shifts like a kaleidoscope, pleased at my submission. When my body finally catches up and I follow her in the dance, it goes from kaleidoscope to fireworks, overwhelming, all-consuming. Takes all my strength to hold on to her…

But it’s worth it. _It is so, so worth it to be taken by Madam Yuuka._

She finishes, and with one last little kiss on my lips leaves me panting. “You’re mine now, little bug. Now there won’t be any running away.”

I want to answer, say something – but all I manage is a dazed grin and dizzy laughter in Madam Yuuka’s arms. Yet the air rumbles with her quiet chuckling.

“So _cute_ …”

* * *

“Miss Wriggle?” Tewi’s friend asks. “May I ask you something?”

“About the flowers?” I say, gathering some muskroot into my pouch.

“Yes, if it’s okay.”

“It’s a favor for Ma – for Yuuka.” A bit of monkshood; this has to go in a separate pouch. “These plants are part of some kind of project the kappa are running, and she’s curious about how they’ve been changed… but after that fight a couple years back Yuuka’s been banned from the Mountain, so she asked me to do it instead.”

Her ears perk up at the name. “Yuuka? You know Miss Kazami?”

“That’s right. I visit from time to time, anyway.”

“What is she like? I-if it’s alright to ask.”

 “Hah! There’s no need to be so polite. But to answer your question… she’s nice.

Really, really nice.”


	7. Choice

Birds. Two of them, black dots hunting in the sky. I see them long before we can hear them.

Tewi takes my hand and leads me to a shallow in the mountainside, her prankster’s smirk in full display. Quickly, silently, so as not to alert Miss Wriggle. We’re off the path, yet still she picks her flowers unaware.

 _+This is what you meant by bringing us luck?+_ I think with a scowl.

Tewi shrugs. _+Feels like this is the time. Don’t worry, Wrig’s not going to get hurt. I can tell that much.+_

The lords of the sky curve down like spears from heaven. Can’t she sense something’s wrong? Eventually Miss Wriggle looks up – but it’s far too late. “Hey,” she mutters, then shouts. “Hey! Where are you – ”

That is when the birds slam into the ground, surrounding her.

“Air Patrol!” one of the birds shouts. “Hands up and identify yourself!”

“Wait, I wasn’t alo – “

“Hands up!”

The rock is cool, damp on my hand; it only fuels my distaste.

 _+Hey,+_ Tewi thinks, patting my shoulder. _+It’s okay, we do this all the time. She’ll get me back for this later.+_

I blink and I’m not on a mountainside. I’m not on anything and the sun is too bright and Buck’s hand reaches out to me from the drifting rig still alive still moving fuelless helpless fuck

fuck

fuck

But I’m not adrift. I am in gravity. I’m running.

I feel Tewi’s surprise, the warning tug of _+Udon, wait+_ leaping quick off her brain to mine, but it’s not stopping me. I’m rushing back up the cliff (no slowly don’t make them think you’re a threat). I’m facing the patrol as they take confused aim (my hands raised my gaze fluttering down freeze freeze freeze).

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, I can tell that much. But Miss Wriggle is okay. Not that she wouldn’t be, but the sight puts me at ease.

“Reisen Udongein Inaba from Eientei, ma’am,” I continue. I was continuing. “I have a stamped pass for Peak Two,” (where on you) “in my right shirt pocket.”

Don’t tremble, don’t move. One of the patrolmen (the subordinate?) is trembling, aim jittering just into uselessness, the other steady but pointlessly tense. The second, she walks carefully towards me, never taking her aim off me. (not telling me to lie down not moving with her partner. Her flank is badly exposed as she overfocuses on me and) I want to smile, say it’s alright – but of course the one way to put them at ease is to give them control.

The crow stops just centimeters away. But then she crosses the last, fumbles with my blazer, clumsy against my breast. Miss Wriggle looks at me, our gazes cross; I can’t quite tell the look on her face, but I smile back just a little. A smile back. I can recognize that, at least.

“Found it,” the guard calls as she backs away. “Fuki, check it.”

“Wait, what about this one?” her partner asks (aim still on me and not on Miss Wriggle), and she spits a whispered curse.

“Damn, you’re right! Okay.” She opens the invitation, sight reluctantly slipping from me to the text. “Okay...”

I can feel the patrolman’s shaky breath. I can feel Tewi’s nervous calm as she probes the earth for us. Then the flutter and fold of paper.

“This looks correct,” the guard says. “Alright, Miss Inaba – but we’re going to escort you to the peak entrance, understood?”

“Yes ma’am,” I say and do not nod.

“Thanks. Er… you can put your hands down now.”


	9. Chapter 9 Draft?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hmm, not done this one yet.

“Think of the most disgusting thing you could do with me, love,” Her Majesty cooed to me. “No need to speak. Really think, see it in your mind.”

“You don’t need me to speak?”

Her smile made my heart just _melt_. Always does. “Your talent makes your thoughts loud.” And she ran her thumb against my cheek, in this way that made me just shiver all over. “Always loved that about you…”

I’m sorry. Just, uh. I can’t get it out of my head, how she sounded when she said that. But I did just as she said. Hah! No, that’s our secret. But I can tell you I must’ve been red like a gate when Her Majesty said she’d do even that with me.

“So –“ Princ – _Kaguya_ asked me, “what was the dirty thing you wished to do with your love, my dear?”

“Lick you,” I confessed. Needed nothing more to say, if she hadn’t seen every bit of my fantasy and fear, she needed only ask for details. “I wanted to show you you’re my… you… that you _matter_ to me.”

I sighed. Weak, but better than growling frustration. And Kaguya _still_ smiled, still played gently with my cheek. A little sad. Maybe a lot sad? But still so achingly sweet. She slid her hand to the back of my head and drew close, brought me beside her neck where all I could sense was her all around me.

Oh, she _knew_. And this is when she’d ask me to say it out loud. But instead she said: “Here?”

And I whispered “yes”, voice too shaky to hear.

What happened then… how do I describe it? I heard something disjointed. No words.

Kaguya felt I am so beautiful. That when I smiled she saw how fragile and sweet I am, how lovely the world could be to her. Her gift. That’s what **鈴仙** means to her. And whatever I do for her, that’s **鈴仙** too. So nothing I do to her could be dirty.

So… I tasted. And Kaguya held me closer! Thought she’d push me away, but she giggled and I felt her rumble.

“Reisen, Rei~sen~,” Kaguya sang. “So wonderful… would you do something for me?”

I nodded in between licks. Could smell myself on her but didn’t hate myself for it.

Name, my voice is so silky and deep. A dark chocolate all for her. All those concepts just crammed in my head in a flash, like family on Christmas. Then Kaguya’s voice caught up with her thoughts. “Would you say my name? Out loud?”

“Kaguya,” I whispered obedient. I _felt_ her bite her lip. Lapped at her again. “Kaguya…”

When I couldn’t speak I thought Kaguya’s name, how I felt at home with her, and she laughed so joyful in return. No thoughts put in my brain –

Well, no. There was one: happy, written a trillion times. Happy happy happy happy. She tilted to face me, slipped her tongue past my lips and it’s nice how bumpy my tongue is. Then Kaguya went right back to that flood: happy happy happy.

I moaned, wanted Kaguya to feel me tremor for her. She went deep, claimed me with tongue and lips.

Princess sucked on my tongue as she finally finished. Slow, giggling all the way. She whispered, all tired and happy: “ **鈴～仙～。** ”

And she held me close as she drifted to sleep. Like I was a big teddy bear, I guess? But I drifted along quick too. Didn’t sleep long, but definitely slept well.


	10. Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something just kinda came to mind, so I'm writing it down here even though it's really WAFF-y. Chapter 8 feels really awkward so I kind of want to skip it; though maybe *that's* what the chapter should be about.
> 
> ah the hell with it, want to do this fluffy one-off

“Princess?”

“Yes, love?”

“Can… I mean…”

“You want a moment with me?”

“…yesmaam.”

“It’s alright, there’s nothing wrong with wanting. After all – I want a moment with you too. Is it okay?”

Reisen laughs as I hug her, a buzz between radio-static and a snort. A warm thing that makes the world a bit more right. She nods, and this time when she looks at me there is no guilt.

I can’t help but grin. It’s been some time since my heart got to tremble like this.

“Thank you, love.”

 

* * *

 

I whimper and pant and squirm under her touch and kiss –

 

Reisen makes this little squeak and it is the loveliest sound in the world –

 

And as I explode against Princess I can’t stop calling her name –

 

“Kaguya,” she breathes, “Kaguya!” she cries,

 

Longing for her,

 

Sanctifying me,

 

Begging for the high.

 

Inaba adores me in a sublime supernova. All drawn-bow, rain-slick, mind-shatter shockwave – every instant dedicated to me. She grinds us together in swelling apex thrusts, and she cups the back of my head, all loose with her nearing completion, all shaky in desperate grateful worship.

I follow Reisen too and detonate. I want this woman to know what she does to me.

 

I should feel guilty for indulging so much. I’m taking and not giving. And yet, when I finally come down from the peak…

 

Reisen beams at me, absolutely enraptured. Her adoring spent gaze crosses mine; I feel my heart flutter again, and in that moment the only words I can find for her are “So beautiful.”

 

“Princess?” I ask. It _was_ intense. It could’ve been me dreaming.

 

“You are so very beautiful, Reisen.” Said far too quietly, but this time my voice didn’t tremble at least. “You are _beautiful_ –” I kiss Reisen’s neck – “and _wonderful_ –“ kiss her again, stroke her ear – “and I am so **_lucky_** to get to be loved by you. So…”

 

“…thank you,” Kaguya finishes. But I’m not at the end of her sentence. Her voice sings in my head again and again – “so lucky, Reisen I am so lucky” – to the counterpoint of her caressing fingers in my mind, and I finally let my armor down and cry.

 

I feel something wet against my hand. “Reisen?” I ask –

Tears? I rise from her shoulder and find her weeping.

“Rei-“ I begin, but then she puts a finger on my lips. A sniffle, a gulp as she smiles.

“ _I’m_ lucky,” my dear whispers in the shallow of a hiccup.

 

I lift a bit towards Her Majesty, and when she notices the world again Kaguya closes the rest of our distance.

I can’t stop crying, because I’ve never felt whole like this.

 

I feel the slipping rough of Reisen’s tongue against mine, taste her slow and fully. She tastes of tea and warm oceans; and when I push closer she rubs her powerful legs along mine, anything to feel more of me. I feel the soft of her chest pressing against me, her calloused fingers exploring my back as I kiss her deeper and she holds me tighter. Inaba deserves my very best…

 

Her Majesty stops only once, to wipe away my drying tears. Then she returns, holds me again, shelters me once more with tongue and touch and warmth. And when it’s finally over (when I come to rest by my lord) Kaguya tucks me under her chin and keeps me close. Pets my head, rests her hand on my waist. No fear, no hate. Just calm and safety in Her Majesty’s embrace.

I know I don’t deserve this. I know I don’t. I know I don’t. But Her Majesty’s hands are so soft, and she holds me so tight… I can almost believe I’m worth something like she says. It still doesn’t feel true, yes. But loving her? I _know_ that’s true. And… now I know she loves me.

I’m _loved_.

I feel the strangest thing. It’s like I have to cry, but no tears come out. I feel so mercifully, divinely warm… no question of “but this is a lie”, “but this will just end”. All I hear is Her Majesty’s quiet in-out breath. And all I feel is the endless glow of her smile.

Heaven. This must be the heaven Kaguya promised I’d see.

 

If there’s words worthy of Reisen, I can’t find them. But as my fingers run through her hair she giggles happily, and she nuzzles against my neck. The air echoes my soldier’s joy not just with sound but in light and heat, in crackling pops sparking alive then gone, things that make the very walls glow just a bit. “Infra-red”, “string annihilation”, “gamma burst”, Rin would call it. Dangerous elsewhere, but here? Let everything out, my dear. Light the sky with your happiness – you’ve deserved to have this for so damned long.

“Princess,” Reisen sighs in absent bliss, and a spark of _something_ trembles up then down my flesh:

Pride?

Relief?

I’ve been alive so long, I can’t tell anymore. So I just lay at Reisen’s side, listening to the quiet joy of her pulse and feeling the warmth of her grateful embrace.

She doesn’t need words to be beautiful.


End file.
